In a desperate bid to solve Bangalore’s notorious traffic crisis, city officials have turned to artificial intelligence, proving that when human intelligence fails, silicon dreams will do. The new AI system, dubbed “TRAFFIC-GURU 3000,” promises to transform India’s tech capital from “Silicon Valley” to “Silky Smooth Valley.”
The AI, trained on decades of Bangalore’s traffic patterns, quickly discovered that the city’s traffic flow resembles a game of Snake being played by a caffeinated toddler. After analyzing millions of commuter routes, TRAFFIC-GURU’s first suggestion was simply: “Have you tried working from home?”
Local tech workers, who spend approximately 73% of their lives in traffic, were initially skeptical. “I’ve seen enough AI to know it’s not magic,” said Priya Sharma, a software engineer who has aged three years since starting this morning’s commute. “But at this point, I’d trust a potato with RGB lighting if it promised to get me home before midnight.”
The AI’s innovative solutions include converting all roads into “quantum lanes” that exist in multiple states simultaneously (much like how Bangalore drivers already treat lane markings), and implementing a “karmic traffic light system” where your wait time is inversely proportional to your patience level.
One particularly controversial suggestion involved replacing all traffic signals with large screens displaying “loading…” – a familiar sight that TRAFFIC-GURU argues would make locals feel more at home while waiting.
The system has already shown promising results, reducing average commute times from “eternal suffering” to “moderate purgatory.” However, critics argue that the AI might be too optimistic, pointing out that its neural networks haven’t experienced the unique phenomenon of a Bangalore U-turn during monsoon season.
In its latest update, TRAFFIC-GURU simply output: “404: Solution Not Found. Please restart city and try again.”
Despite the challenges, officials remain hopeful. As one traffic cop philosophically noted, “At least now we have an AI to blame for the chaos. It’s much more modern than blaming Mercury retrograde.”
