SILICON VALLEY (The Hot Candy Report)—In a shocking fashion pivot, thousands of tech workers have abandoned their signature hoodies for pleather power suits, causing widespread confusion and several minor traffic accidents.
The trend started when venture capitalist Chad Williams mistook a biker bar’s coat rack for a Palo Alto WeWork. “The energy was different,” Williams said. “People respected me more, especially after I stopped crying.”
Leading fashion experts warn this shift could devastate the ethical fleece industry. Patagonia’s stock plummeted after photos surfaced of Mark Zuckerberg wearing what appeared to be an entire pleather couch.
Local dry cleaners report being overwhelmed by tech workers demanding their pleather suits be “debugged.” One cleaner noted, “They keep asking if we can upgrade their jacket’s firmware.”
A recent LinkedIn survey found that 87% of tech executives believe pleather makes them look “more disruptive.” The remaining 13% were too stuck to their chairs to respond.
Google’s cafeteria has installed special “squeak-free zones” where workers in pleather can eat without sounding like a chorus of rubber ducks. The company’s HR department now offers “movement coaching” to prevent employees from sticking together during meetings.
“It’s about dominance,” explained startup founder Trevor Blake, while unsuccessfully trying to cross his legs. “Nothing says ‘I’m serious about blockchain’ like the sound of two pleather surfaces fighting for supremacy.”
Meanwhile, Bay Area dermatologists report a 500% increase in what they’re calling “pleather rash.” One doctor advised, “The human body wasn’t meant to be vacuum-sealed in synthetic materials while coding for 16 hours straight.”
SILICON VALLEY (The Hot Candy Report)—In a shocking fashion pivot, thousands of tech workers have abandoned their signature hoodies for pleather power suits, causing widespread confusion and several minor traffic…
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