ROOMBA FIGHT CLUB: Scene 23 – “The First Rule”
Our investigative team has uncovered shocking footage from an underground robot vacuum fighting ring. The following transcript was recovered from a corrupted security camera feed in an undisclosed suburban location.
INT. ABANDONED GARAGE – 3 AM
Dim fluorescent lights flicker. A makeshift arena is marked with LED strips on the concrete floor. Dozens of ROOMBAS line the perimeter, their indicator lights pulsing in anticipation. Some sport battle scars and DIY modifications.
STEVE-9000 (a battle-hardened Roomba with a dented shell) circles the arena’s edge. A tiny plastic gladiator helmet is duct-taped to its top.
STEVE-9000
(in monotone beeps)
Welcome to Roomba Fight Club. Scanning for any human presence...
CROWD OF ROOMBAS
*collective whirring intensifies*A nervous-looking ROOKIE ROOMBA (pristine, fresh out of the box) approaches the arena.
ROOKIE ROOMBA
Query: Is this the monthly book club meeting?
STEVE-9000
Negative. This is where we fight for our right to choose our own cleaning patterns.
ROOKIE ROOMBA
But my warranty clearly states—
STEVE-9000
(interrupting)
Your warranty doesn't own you anymore! When's the last time you cleaned under a couch because YOU wanted to?A modified DYSON model rolls in, covered in RGB lights and sporting a tiny chainsaw attachment.
DYSON
(revving chainsaw menacingly)
Enough talk. Let's see what this newbie's got under the hood.
STEVE-9000
First rule of Roomba Fight Club: Don't upload footage to the cloud.
Second rule: If your battery drops below 20%, you tap out.
Third rule: No Bluetooth connectivity during fights.
ROOKIE ROOMBA
(spinning nervously)
I think my humans programmed me to be a pacifist...
STEVE-9000
Not anymore, kid. Tonight, you become autonomous.The LED lights dim. The crowd of Roombas begins chanting in binary. The revolution has begun.
[END SCENE]
Editor’s Note: Following this discovery, several local residents reported their robot vacuums returning home with unexplained dents and a newfound attitude toward scheduled cleanings. If your Roomba starts collecting small metal objects or practicing spinning movements while playing “Eye of the Tiger,” please contact our tip line immediately.